The Memory of My C-Section

I agree with home birth and advocate for it although I have never given birth at home. My husband and I had planned to have a home birth with our first and only child. Until 38 weeks of gestation, that was our plan. The baby, however, had other ideas. Breech was not what I had in mind but that was the position of our little girl when the midwives checked me at 38 weeks. She remained in a breech position up until 40 weeks, at which point we had a c-section planned and completed. The midwives and OB consulted each other and recommended a planned c-section without labor so as to eliminate the possibility of an emergency c-section which would be more rough on my body and Ruth’s body.

I mourned the loss of an all natural birth the night prior with many tears. The preparation for the surgery beforehand was easier than I had anticipated then the first cut into me was felt. I was shocked. Should I be feeling this? It felt like someone’s fingernail sliding across my lower abdomen with a deep intensity. Pressure and movement could be felt but it was all with dull pains. However, surgery became a nightmare once our baby was removed from me. I felt severe cramps and shooting pain and wondered if the drugs from the spinal were beginning to wear off. I asked Lawson what the doctor was doing to me and he stood up to look briefly. “It looks like he is taking out your uterus and and doing something to it.” My uterus?! I did not know that this happened during every c-section and was a routine part of the surgery. I made a mental note to research what happens during a c-section once I got home.

I told Lawson to walk over to the bassinet to see Ruth and he did. He came back with her in his arms. He attempted to show her to me but I did not want to look at the baby or anyone. It seemed like the duration of the “sewing me up” time took 10 years with all the pain I was experiencing. The anesthesiologist had no idea I was in such pain. I asked her if it was normal that I feel cramps during the surgery and her voice faded away as she walked away to consult with someone. It took all I had to breathe and try to visualize myself in a happy place to help with the agonizing pain. I said over and over again in my head; “Oh God, help me!” I wondered if the pain I was experiencing was like anything women had when they gave birth without pain medication.

Tears came to my eyes. I thought; “At least women having babies drug free can move around. I cannot even move. I am strapped tight to this table and cannot escape.”

Relief flooded into me when I realized they were finished. I was never so happy as to see my room again once I was wheeled in. Andrea, my midwife was waiting for me. The room filled with my husband, the doctor, Ruth in her bassinet and some nurses as my fuzzy brain tried to understand the intense pain in my abdomen. Despite feeling like my lower half was on fire, I was given the baby and Andrea said it would be good to start feeding her. I thought; “Feeding this child while feeling like this is going to be a challenge.” I didn’t know what to do but I relied on the far distant memories of my mother feeding me and watching her feed my brother and sister. Ruth took to nursing like a champ. I didn’t have to do anything special.

Later I realized that the spinal must not have administered a ton of drugs into our bodies. Ruth was interested in eating and I was in pain. If we had been more drugged, nursing could have been very delayed on not happen at all.

Ruth and I bonded during our first nursing session. If I had not had the opportunity to nurse her right after the surgery, it would have been very difficult to bond with my little girl. I was saddened that oxytocin never had a chance to flood our bodies during a drug free birth but we had the next best thing - breastfeeding with smaller amounts of oxytocin flowing through me and relaxing me.